The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
