go do what you do best...puke behind churches
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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