So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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