im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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