If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
