I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
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It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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