I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
