its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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