did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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