be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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