hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
