Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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