There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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