I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
