dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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