Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
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He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
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Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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