My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
