Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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