and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
