it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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