the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
