He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.