i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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