I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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