I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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