Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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