i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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