I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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