its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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