I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
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No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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