My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
