I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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