Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
