i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
