Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
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Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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