I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
