Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
