Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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