I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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