I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
3 2 1 whiskey
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
