the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
