we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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