i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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