If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
