Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
