can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
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