Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The air taste purple.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
