Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
