Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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