Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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