my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
