News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Did I show you my penis last night?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
