I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
