I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
