i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
