Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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