Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
