so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
